Better Days Ahead

I'm a 45 year old woman who is on an adventure to discover the purpose in all the trials and tribulations I have gone through. As I'm trying to discover what James says, "Consider it nothing but joy my bretheren when you go through many trials, that the testing of your faith [through experience] produces endurance [leading to spiritual maturity, and inner peace]. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result and do a thorough work, so that you may be perfect and completely developed [in your faith], lacking in nothing.
I have two wonderful children and lost my husband Rob on April 19, 2014. I live in my father and step mother's home and was taking care of my step mother until she passed just recently on March 22nd. My father works away and is hardly even here. My 24 year old son who was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder moved back with us last year, but seems to be not suffering delusions currently. My 15 year old daughter was in and out of behavioral health programs last year and failed 7th grade. We had quite a fight with the school who took us to truancy court for her absences. We now have more peace because she is home schooling online with a self-pace school. I am currently questioning what I should do to support my family, but wasn't able to due to caring for my sick stepmother. I have a dream to one day be self-employed. I just feel I need to get through the hurdles that seem to keep me back. So That is what this blog is about. I'm trying to find out what fears and mindsets keep me bound and keep me from pursuing my dreams. I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Let Go

To let go does not mean to stop caring; it means that I can’t live someone else’s life for him. To let go is not to cut myself off; it is to realize that I can’t control another. To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To let go is not to try to change or blame another; it is to be responsible for myself in that situation. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go means I want what God wants in the situation, not what I think is best for me or the other person. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own lives. To let go is not to be protective; it is to permit another to face reality. To let go is not to deny, but to accept. To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the good in it. To let go is not to criticize or regulate anyone else’s life, but to do my best to become all that I can be. To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future. To let go is to fear less and love more. To let go is to hug someone, but not hold them so closely he is crushed or smothered. To let go is to give a person or a situation to God, who is the only One who can work everything together for our good and His glory. author unknown

Friday, May 06, 2016

The grieving process is a healing process.

Grief Is a Journey
Day 20

If you want to heal from grief, you must go through it; you cannot go around it. The grieving process is a healing process. Do not look at healing as a goal you can only attain at the end of the process. Each step you take is part of your healing.

“Grief is a process that is better thought of as a journey,” observes Dr. Tim Clinton. “It’s just one foot in front of the other. It may seem that others have grieved very quickly, but those who have come through the process too fast have undone business in their lives.”

Take a moment to try and identify where you are on your grief journey. If you have admitted you are grieving, then your journey has begun.

Rest assured that the God of all time, the First and the Last, the omniscient and omnipotent God, will be with you every step of the way, and He has already placed your healing in His plan.

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path” (Psalm 119:105).

God, all I can do is put one foot in front of the other, but I know for sure that my journey has begun. Amen.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Intimacy with God

Exodus 33:13 Amplified Bible (AMP)

13 Now therefore, I pray you, if I have found favor in Your sight, let me know Your ways so that I may know You [becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with You, recognizing and understanding Your ways more clearly] and that I may find grace and favor in Your sight. And consider also, that this nation is Your people.”

Ephesians 1:17 Amplified Bible (AMP)

17 [I always pray] that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may grant you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation [that gives you a deep and personal and intimate insight] into the true knowledge of Him [for we know the Father through the Son].

Colossians 2:2&3 Amplified Bible (AMP)

2 [For my hope is] that their hearts may be encouraged as they are knit together in [unselfish] [a]love, so that they may have all the riches that come from the full assurance of understanding [the joy of salvation], resulting in a true [and more intimate] knowledge of the [b]mystery of God, that is, Christ, 3 in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge [regarding the word and purposes of God].

These verses reveal how God truly wants us to have an intimate relationship with Him. We seek after this intimacy with a partner, but we can't truly find one. When we truly like in Colossians 2:2&3 have our hearts knit together in unselfish love that only God himself can give and teach us, we will be truly whole and fulfilled. We try to fill the void with food, cigarettes, alcohol, a sexual relationships and material things that just deceive us at first into thinking it will satisfy. We truly can not be fully satisfied until we draw nearer and pray these scriptures so that we may know God and also as in John 17 where Jesus prayed that we would be one with the Father as He was one we won't fulfill the purpose God has put us in this world to be have or do.

We had a worship night at church Sunday and I was reminded of this intimacy in God's presence. Being in God's presence and sharing an intimate moment left me hungry for more. I have to ask myself then why do I still allow myself to be deceived into thinking that intimacy with a man is a worth while venture. I was in a moment of weakness texting a guy I had been with over the summer. The excitement just wasn't like it had been and the experience was different. I truly believe I have changed. I have grown closer to God. I can't even believe I would go and reach out to this guy again after I had told him I was not doing these things any more. I know it was this coping mechanism in my brain that had been wired to go after this kind of thing when I'm hurting.

Why can't I even allow myself to express sadness over losing my step mother. I keep trying to figure things out and again try to birth an Ishmael on my own. I don't know and ask myself, self how long will you keep doing this? Is it because it's been a habit? You have done it for so long and it is difficult to break this habit of trying to figure things out on your own and even going ahead and doing things to help yourself when God said to Lean not on your own understanding, acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your steps.

Dear Lord,
I truly repent for trying to do things on my own and seeking after things that don't truly satisfy or please you. I pray that you lead me and guide and strengthen me to do what is right in your eyes. I do hope it is you that has laid it on my heart to be truthful and express myself. Why do you just push it down and not come out with it. You know you are kind hearted and when it comes to blessing someone you are torn, because you want to make money, but sometimes I know the Lord will ask us to bless someone and surrender the need to try and manipulate the situation so you can gain money. I just pray you lead me and guide me in selling or giving away some of Mother's stuff. It can be so reckless of me to give you credit where I thought when this woman called who seemed interested in buying all the jewelry only offered such a small amount for jewelry that was worth 8 times as much as she was wanting to give. You know Lord I need $90 to pay for my Leadership class and $120 plus spending money for food at least to go on this retreat. I pray you lead me and guide me. I pray I can be quiet and listen for your still small voice which will lead me in the way I should go or if I am to sow a seed by selling it to her for $200? That wouldn't even be enough to cover both the $90 and $120 plus food money. I so want to be able to make enough money to also help dad out with bills. You know all the losses he is facing now that Cathy passed and in a way I already feel like I saw it coming. It seemed like you were showing me. I thought I was forwarning him she was getting worse and all he did was keep on working trying to meet his needs and our needs and now it seems he is reaping a harvest of debt and I just pray he and I will surrender this to you. I pray we will wise up and stop making stupid mistakes because we have this stupid pride that thinks we have to meet our own needs. Please forgive us and help us to turn to you. You say in your word that you will supply all of our needs according to your riches and glory by Christ Jesus. I pray we heed your word and walk in it finally.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

He Borne Our Grief

He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
Isaiah 53:3-4 KJV

Jesus is called the man of sorrows. He is well acquanted with grief and suffering. We just need to let Him do His job. We need to allow Him to have all our grief we have no use for it it actually can make us useless in building His kingdom. We need to choose if we will serve God or our emotions. It is the same with guilt. We can give it all to Jesus because He said He already paid the price for it and we are debt free!

Sunday, June 01, 2014

It takes work, practice, learning, prayer, resources and grace to overcome the fear of failure. Not confronting our fears denies the grace of God and insults both his giving of the gifts and his grace to sustain us as we are learning.
(author unknown)

I found this quote while looking for something today. Don't you love how God puts things in our path at the precise time when we need them. I am seeking help and in prayer with a wonderful woman of God this morning, God reminded me of the above quote. I just know it was him that had his angels to put it back in my view. I moved last March into my parents home and it had to be God helping me find it again. I can't seem to find any thing. When I had my apartment I almost knew where most things were. This was written out in my own pen and I had hung inside my kitchen cabinet. I remember having this moment of clarity that this was my key the thing I had been missing in my need to grow. We need God's grace despirately, because I know for myself I get in His way all the time. I try to fix myself. I see something I don't like about my life and where it is going and try to read as much on that subject as possible. I know I was missing the practice doing what I need to be doing and praying in faith knowing that God would make the planns He has for me and my life succeed.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Job's Three Friends Share His Anguish

11When three of Job’s friends heard of the tragedy he had suffered, they got together and traveled from their homes to comfort and console him. Their names were Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. 12 When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words. Job 2:11-13 New Living Translation
I am starting to blog again. I really was blessed and pray someone else will benefit from this too. We just don't know what to say to people when they have lost a loved one. I can relate, for I have wanted to comfort others and am now the one who needs to be comforted. I have experienced that after a while you do get tired of people asking you so "how are you doing?" I recentally had someone ask me and when I said not well they asked why? I guesss I'm a bit touchy but on the inside I screamed. "Well let's see, I DID JUST LOSE MY HUSBAND! but instead I just said I don't know. I guess I know they knew, but just wanted them to not ask me just know why automatically. It at the time seemed like a no brainer. I also must add and please don't take it personally, but us widowzillas sometimes just need you to sit with us and not say anything. We may not even need your advice just someone to show they care. I know as the comforter you hate to see your loved one hurting, but let's face it we will hurt and we may shed some tears just let us know it is okay and that we don't have to put on a fake smile for you so we can save you from feeling bad too. I understand that others can not and wont be there for you because they don't know how. I will get through this one day at a time and so will others. We just need to allow ourselves and others get through the stages of grief at their own pace. Believe me no one wants to move on to happier days more than the griever we just need a little patience with ourselve and with those that don't understand. Will have to remember what Jesus said on the cross "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." or say. In conclusion I do want to be like Job who said, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord. If He should slay me I still want to say I will bless the Lord at all times His praise shall continually be in my mouth."

Friday, October 19, 2012

Good News for the Oppressed

Isaiah61 61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed.[a] 2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,[b] and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies. 3 To all who mourn in Israel,[c] he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory. 4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins, repairing cities destroyed long ago. They will revive them, though they have been deserted for many generations. 5 Foreigners will be your servants. They will feed your flocks and plow your fields and tend your vineyards. 6 You will be called priests of the Lord, ministers of our God. You will feed on the treasures of the nations and boast in their riches. 7 Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor. You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. 8 “For I, the Lord, love justice. I hate robbery and wrongdoing. I will faithfully reward my people for their suffering and make an everlasting covenant with them. 9 Their descendants will be recognized and honored among the nations. Everyone will realize that they are a people the Lord has blessed.” 10 I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels. 11 The Sovereign Lord will show his justice to the nations of the world. Everyone will praise him! His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring, with plants springing up everywhere. I Thank you Lord for this word. You gave this to me and it's been my scripture it's been my promise from you. I will meditate on it until I believe I will triumph over my enemies. I come against the Spirit of alcoholism in my family I command it in the name of Jesus to get off my father, Alvin, my son, myself and Ruth. This Spirit must leave in the name of Jesus. I am taking my authority as a child of God. I pray that the mind blinding Spirits will leave my house in the name of Jesus. We are not confused. I bind the Spirit of Strife off of myself and my husband. The love of God has been shed in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. Clear the way I bind up every obstetrical that Satan tries to put in my way to keep this promise from coming to pass. We will be victorious and see our deliverance. We are not quitters we are like a tree planted by the rivers of water and we shall not be moved.