Better Days Ahead

I'm a 45 year old woman who is on an adventure to discover the purpose in all the trials and tribulations I have gone through. As I'm trying to discover what James says, "Consider it nothing but joy my bretheren when you go through many trials, that the testing of your faith [through experience] produces endurance [leading to spiritual maturity, and inner peace]. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result and do a thorough work, so that you may be perfect and completely developed [in your faith], lacking in nothing.
I have two wonderful children and lost my husband Rob on April 19, 2014. I live in my father and step mother's home and was taking care of my step mother until she passed just recently on March 22nd. My father works away and is hardly even here. My 24 year old son who was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder moved back with us last year, but seems to be not suffering delusions currently. My 15 year old daughter was in and out of behavioral health programs last year and failed 7th grade. We had quite a fight with the school who took us to truancy court for her absences. We now have more peace because she is home schooling online with a self-pace school. I am currently questioning what I should do to support my family, but wasn't able to due to caring for my sick stepmother. I have a dream to one day be self-employed. I just feel I need to get through the hurdles that seem to keep me back. So That is what this blog is about. I'm trying to find out what fears and mindsets keep me bound and keep me from pursuing my dreams. I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Intimacy with God

Exodus 33:13 Amplified Bible (AMP)

13 Now therefore, I pray you, if I have found favor in Your sight, let me know Your ways so that I may know You [becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with You, recognizing and understanding Your ways more clearly] and that I may find grace and favor in Your sight. And consider also, that this nation is Your people.”

Ephesians 1:17 Amplified Bible (AMP)

17 [I always pray] that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may grant you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation [that gives you a deep and personal and intimate insight] into the true knowledge of Him [for we know the Father through the Son].

Colossians 2:2&3 Amplified Bible (AMP)

2 [For my hope is] that their hearts may be encouraged as they are knit together in [unselfish] [a]love, so that they may have all the riches that come from the full assurance of understanding [the joy of salvation], resulting in a true [and more intimate] knowledge of the [b]mystery of God, that is, Christ, 3 in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge [regarding the word and purposes of God].

These verses reveal how God truly wants us to have an intimate relationship with Him. We seek after this intimacy with a partner, but we can't truly find one. When we truly like in Colossians 2:2&3 have our hearts knit together in unselfish love that only God himself can give and teach us, we will be truly whole and fulfilled. We try to fill the void with food, cigarettes, alcohol, a sexual relationships and material things that just deceive us at first into thinking it will satisfy. We truly can not be fully satisfied until we draw nearer and pray these scriptures so that we may know God and also as in John 17 where Jesus prayed that we would be one with the Father as He was one we won't fulfill the purpose God has put us in this world to be have or do.

We had a worship night at church Sunday and I was reminded of this intimacy in God's presence. Being in God's presence and sharing an intimate moment left me hungry for more. I have to ask myself then why do I still allow myself to be deceived into thinking that intimacy with a man is a worth while venture. I was in a moment of weakness texting a guy I had been with over the summer. The excitement just wasn't like it had been and the experience was different. I truly believe I have changed. I have grown closer to God. I can't even believe I would go and reach out to this guy again after I had told him I was not doing these things any more. I know it was this coping mechanism in my brain that had been wired to go after this kind of thing when I'm hurting.

Why can't I even allow myself to express sadness over losing my step mother. I keep trying to figure things out and again try to birth an Ishmael on my own. I don't know and ask myself, self how long will you keep doing this? Is it because it's been a habit? You have done it for so long and it is difficult to break this habit of trying to figure things out on your own and even going ahead and doing things to help yourself when God said to Lean not on your own understanding, acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your steps.

Dear Lord,
I truly repent for trying to do things on my own and seeking after things that don't truly satisfy or please you. I pray that you lead me and guide and strengthen me to do what is right in your eyes. I do hope it is you that has laid it on my heart to be truthful and express myself. Why do you just push it down and not come out with it. You know you are kind hearted and when it comes to blessing someone you are torn, because you want to make money, but sometimes I know the Lord will ask us to bless someone and surrender the need to try and manipulate the situation so you can gain money. I just pray you lead me and guide me in selling or giving away some of Mother's stuff. It can be so reckless of me to give you credit where I thought when this woman called who seemed interested in buying all the jewelry only offered such a small amount for jewelry that was worth 8 times as much as she was wanting to give. You know Lord I need $90 to pay for my Leadership class and $120 plus spending money for food at least to go on this retreat. I pray you lead me and guide me. I pray I can be quiet and listen for your still small voice which will lead me in the way I should go or if I am to sow a seed by selling it to her for $200? That wouldn't even be enough to cover both the $90 and $120 plus food money. I so want to be able to make enough money to also help dad out with bills. You know all the losses he is facing now that Cathy passed and in a way I already feel like I saw it coming. It seemed like you were showing me. I thought I was forwarning him she was getting worse and all he did was keep on working trying to meet his needs and our needs and now it seems he is reaping a harvest of debt and I just pray he and I will surrender this to you. I pray we will wise up and stop making stupid mistakes because we have this stupid pride that thinks we have to meet our own needs. Please forgive us and help us to turn to you. You say in your word that you will supply all of our needs according to your riches and glory by Christ Jesus. I pray we heed your word and walk in it finally.